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intheheartTitle: Dukkha
Rating: PG-13.
Summary: A class assignment triggers something for Olivia.
Date: November 10th, 2003
Notes: Olivia has clinical depression, although at this point she has not yet been formally diagnosed.
WARNING for depressive thoughts.
Class Journal
11/10/2003
Unit 3 - Buddhism
Olivia Lowry
For this week's journal I am concentrating on the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism, and considering how they apply to my own life.
The Four Noble Truths are as follows:
1. Life is dukkha (suffering).
2. The origin of dukkha is desire.
3. The cessation of dukkha is attainable, by ending desire.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
I will take it one Truth at a time.
1) Life is dukkha (suffering).
My life is certainly full of suffering. The other day I got a letter from the university saying that my second semester tuition was late, and I had to call my mother to get her to pay it. My mother does not like to be interrupted sometimes, and she got very angry with me. While I accept that I should have reminded her about it before I got the letter, I still wish she wouldn't have yelled at me.
Also, sometimes I wish things could have been different with my family. I get very uncomfortable at home sometimes. I'm very glad I went to summer school so I could go to college a year early, but that summer school certainly caused some suffering when I couldn't go to the pool or to the movies because I had homework.
2) The origin of dukkha is attachment.
This is certainly true. To continue the example, my suffering the other day was caused by a desire to have my mother not shout at me, and perhaps by a greater desire to have her be pleased with me. I suffered at summer school because I desired to be somewhere else, doing something else.
If you examine the second paragraph of my first answer, you will see that the first sentence contained the phrase "I wish." That phrase exemplifies desire. I desire the situation to be something other than it is, therefore I suffer.
3) The cessation of dukkha is attainable by ending desire.
I can see the sense in this. If I could end the desire for my mother to approve of me, I could be happy. If I could end the desire to be somewhere else, I could have not suffered in summer school. If I could stop wishing, then
This is bullshit. This is all bullshit. I don't suffer because I want things. Or I do, I suffer because I want things. I want my father back and I want my mother to be normal and I want to be happy, I want it so badly, but it just isn't going to happen.
And you know what, even if I did stop wanting these things I would never feel better. This hurts so much. It hurts every day. Every night before I fall asleep I pray that I'll die in my sleep, and every morning when I wake up I hurt because I didn't. I don't hurt for any particular reason. I don't suffer through every day because I want something. I don't want anything except to not hurt.
And isn't that what everyone wants? What all Buddhists want? They want to stop suffering, so they try to break out of the cycle of samsara by following the Noble Eightfold Path. Except it doesn't work, because it's bullshit, and because I wake up every single morning hurting and it never, never stops, and not wanting things isn't going to change a damn thing.
I just want to stop hurting.
--
"Ms. Lowry? Where is your class journal this week?"
"I'm sorry, Professor Walters, I don't have it."
"Ah. Well, bring it in next class."
"Yes, ma'am."
Rating: PG-13.
Summary: A class assignment triggers something for Olivia.
Date: November 10th, 2003
Notes: Olivia has clinical depression, although at this point she has not yet been formally diagnosed.
WARNING for depressive thoughts.
Class Journal
11/10/2003
Unit 3 - Buddhism
Olivia Lowry
For this week's journal I am concentrating on the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism, and considering how they apply to my own life.
The Four Noble Truths are as follows:
1. Life is dukkha (suffering).
2. The origin of dukkha is desire.
3. The cessation of dukkha is attainable, by ending desire.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.
I will take it one Truth at a time.
1) Life is dukkha (suffering).
My life is certainly full of suffering. The other day I got a letter from the university saying that my second semester tuition was late, and I had to call my mother to get her to pay it. My mother does not like to be interrupted sometimes, and she got very angry with me. While I accept that I should have reminded her about it before I got the letter, I still wish she wouldn't have yelled at me.
Also, sometimes I wish things could have been different with my family. I get very uncomfortable at home sometimes. I'm very glad I went to summer school so I could go to college a year early, but that summer school certainly caused some suffering when I couldn't go to the pool or to the movies because I had homework.
2) The origin of dukkha is attachment.
This is certainly true. To continue the example, my suffering the other day was caused by a desire to have my mother not shout at me, and perhaps by a greater desire to have her be pleased with me. I suffered at summer school because I desired to be somewhere else, doing something else.
If you examine the second paragraph of my first answer, you will see that the first sentence contained the phrase "I wish." That phrase exemplifies desire. I desire the situation to be something other than it is, therefore I suffer.
3) The cessation of dukkha is attainable by ending desire.
I can see the sense in this. If I could end the desire for my mother to approve of me, I could be happy. If I could end the desire to be somewhere else, I could have not suffered in summer school. If I could stop wishing, then
This is bullshit. This is all bullshit. I don't suffer because I want things. Or I do, I suffer because I want things. I want my father back and I want my mother to be normal and I want to be happy, I want it so badly, but it just isn't going to happen.
And you know what, even if I did stop wanting these things I would never feel better. This hurts so much. It hurts every day. Every night before I fall asleep I pray that I'll die in my sleep, and every morning when I wake up I hurt because I didn't. I don't hurt for any particular reason. I don't suffer through every day because I want something. I don't want anything except to not hurt.
And isn't that what everyone wants? What all Buddhists want? They want to stop suffering, so they try to break out of the cycle of samsara by following the Noble Eightfold Path. Except it doesn't work, because it's bullshit, and because I wake up every single morning hurting and it never, never stops, and not wanting things isn't going to change a damn thing.
I just want to stop hurting.
--
"Ms. Lowry? Where is your class journal this week?"
"I'm sorry, Professor Walters, I don't have it."
"Ah. Well, bring it in next class."
"Yes, ma'am."
