White Lies

[intheheart]

Title: White Lies
Rating: PG.
Summary: Three times Hugh was less than honest with Joanna.
AU: George
Notes: I missed this AU!



1.

It was a boy.

There was a boy under the gentle curve of Joanna's stomach. It was a boy he could feel moving under his palm at night. A boy. A son.

Not, thank God, a daughter.

Hugh wasn't sure if he'd been quite able to hide his feelings when the lab tech had told them that, because he'd gotten a sharp look from the young man. But Joanna hadn't noticed. Joanna hadn't looked away from the screen once during the entire appointment, and her expression...

She shifted in the seat beside him, and he glanced away from the road just long enough to see her, cupping her belly, staring out the window, joy still shining from her face. She was so happy, so happy, how could he feel this way? How could he still be so conflicted?

He knew, of course. Olivia. Always Olivia, always in the back of his mind, always a small open wound in the corner of his heart.

At least it wasn't a daughter. He could not have stood a daughter.

"Hugh." He blinked, glanced at Joanna again. She was leaning forward now, concern a faint wash over the happiness. "Are you all right?"

"Fine," he said, and smiled at her, the best one he could manage. He had the sneaking feeling that she wasn't fooled, though. "We're having a boy!"

The concern flashed away and she was all joy again, beaming. "I know! Oh, isn't it wonderful?"

"Yes," he said, and was a little surprised to find that he meant it. "Yes, it's fantastic."

And it was. He loved his son. He loved Joanna, and her joy was so infectious it was nearly impossible to be unhappy about this development. Even if it had blindsided them both, it was a good thing.

In fact, if he looked at it the right way, it was something of a second chance. Of course, Joanna was not Yvonne, and was in fact as far from being Yvonne as it was possible to be, so he'd never have that to guard against. But he would protect this child, nevertheless. He would not fail his son the way he'd failed his daughter.

Joanna was watching him again. He could feel her eyes on him, steady, reassuring, with that light of happiness still filling everything they touched. "What are you thinking about?"

He pulled into their driveway, parked, reached over and covered her hand on her belly with his own. "Names," he said. "I like Matthew."

She smiled at him, open and delighted and so beautiful he caught his breath. "I like Matthew too."


2.

Caroline straightened and took the stethoscope out of her ears. "Yep," she said. "He's got a little murmur there." She patted Matthew's head and looked up. "Don't panic."

Joanna's shoulder tensed under his hand; Hugh didn't have to look at her to know that she'd gone white. He only hoped he was doing a better job of hiding his feelings. He'd suspected this, but... "Physiologic or pathologic?"

Caroline shrugged. "Does he get tired or sick easily? Any developmental concerns?"

Joanna shook her head. "No. No. He gets the hiccups a lot, but..."

"That's nothing to worry about," Caroline said, then smiled. "I'd guess it's physiologic. It's systolic only, I can't hear it if he's not lying down, intensity's really low, there's no thrill. Seems pretty inconsequential to me."

Hugh relaxed a little, but Joanna made a questioning noise, and Caroline blinked. "Oh, sorry. To translate, he'll be fine. It's benign, and it's not affecting his development at all. A lot of kids have these. It should disappear when he's grown a little." She patted Matthew's head again. "But not soon enough to keep from freaking your parents out, huh, kiddo?"

Matthew babbled something at her in baby language. She smiled. "He's a cute kid. Okay, official diagnosis is a benign pediatric heart murmur. We'll keep an eye on him, but he's going to be okay. In fact, he is okay. So don't start worrying unless he falls out of a window or something."

Hugh squeezed Joanna's shoulder, reassuringly, and asked, "What kind of murmur?"

Caroline shrugged again. "I'd have to do some more tests to be sure, but I really don't think it's worth it. He's going to be fine."

"I know," he replied, mimicking her tone of careless reassurance. "I've seen too many kids with these to count. Actually," he shifted, talking more to Joanna than Caroline now, "Olivia had one as a baby. It was gone by the time she was two, and I've never seen a healthier kid."

"There you go, then," Caroline said. "Probably runs in your family. Hugh, can I talk to you for a second outside?" She made a careless motion of apology in Joanna's direction. "Question about another patient. I can't talk about it in front of you."

"That's all right," Joanna said, bending over Matthew so that her dark hair covered them both. "Go ahead."

Hugh dropped a kiss on the crown of her head, and followed Caroline out into the hall.

She pulled him into her office, then shut the door and rounded on him, arms folded. "That was an excellent show of false reassurance," she said, "but now you tell me the truth. Scared?"

"Terrified," Hugh said, and sighed. "I know that ninety percent of these disappear, but..."

Caroline nodded. "There's always the but. Seriously. He's fine. You know that better than anyone. How many babies have you seen with heart murmurs?"

He had to think about it, and finally gave up. "I don't know. Lots."

"And how many of those turned out to be pathologic?"

That one he knew by heart. "Two. One of them was dead before his ninth birthday."

"Ah," she said, and her tone turned considerably gentler. "I'm sorry. It's hard losing a patient like that. But Matthew doesn't have that kind of heart murmur."

He shifted, leaned against the wall and passed a hand over his eyes. "And you can be sure of that because..."

"Because your daughter had one too," Caroline said. "There's a certain genetic component to these. If she had one, you probably did too, or someone else in your immediate family, and clearly you at least survived to a useful adulthood. Well, semi-useful."

His heart clenched, unexpectedly. That was a totally invalid reassurance, but Caroline didn't know that, and it was hardly the time to get into the problem of questionable genetics. "There's always the chance."

"Yes, there's always the chance," she said, the exaggerated patience creeping back into her tone. "Well, if you don't want to worry your wife more, you'll get better at hiding it."

"I don't want to worry her at all."

Caroline snorted, with what Hugh felt was a rather heartless amusement. "She's his mother, Hugh. She's already worried. Pretending to be fine-- or at least, doing it well-- won't reassure her any, but it might keep her from getting more worried." She pointed at him. "So learn to lie better. I have kids who are actually sick to see."

"Yeah, yeah," Hugh murmured, and left the office.


3.

Hugh was never really sure afterwards why he hadn't heard the door open, but he could only assume it was because he was too busy making ocean noises, and the occasional sound of a cannonball being fired and then splashing into the water with a tremendous crash. Or at least his best imitations thereof. They probably weren't actually very good, but they made Matthew scream with laughter and hit at the water.

There was water all over the bathroom, even some on the ceiling (which he planned to blame on Matthew and not his own possible overenthusiasm). He'd have to do a lot of cleaning very fast after this was done, or else he'd catch it from Joanna.

"Ma ma ma!" Matthew caroled, holding his arms up.

Hugh twisted sideways, wiped water from his face, and found himself looking up at Joanna, who had her hands on her hips and a barely hidden smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. "Um. Afternoon. You're home early."

"I got to the bank at lunch," she said, the smile deepening just a little. "Having fun?"

"Um," he said, and tried to come up with a decent explanation for the scene. He was reasonably certain that he couldn't.

"Good," Joanna said, apparently interpreting that (correctly) as a yes. "Then would you like to explain to me how water got on the ceiling?"

Matthew chose that moment to gurgle in pleasure and wave his hands around, and the smile escaped Joanna's control and took over her face. "Darling," she cooed, and leaned down. Heedless of the water and her jacket, she swept him into her arms and planted kisses on his cheeks. "Look at you. Been having fun with Daddy?"

"Da da da da," Matthew said, and grabbed at her hijab.

"Hey, now," Hugh said, and got up. "That's my job."

Joanna snorted. "It's my hair," she pointed out, but let him unpin and unwrap her hijab, as she always did on the rare occasions that he beat her home. Hugh allowed himself a moment of indulgence and rested his head against hers for a moment, reveling in the feel of her hair on his skin, before he stepped away, folding the hijab. "How was your day?"

She adjusted her grip on Matthew, shifting him to her hip, where he promptly grabbed a handful of her hair and stuck it in his mouth. "Well enough. Now why is there water on the ceiling?"

"Matthew's very good at splashing?" Hugh tried. When the only response that got him was a laugh, he shook his head and owned up. "We were playing pirates."

She lifted an eyebrow. "Pirates? Really?"

"The dread pirate No-Beard," he said. "I might have gotten overenthusiastic with the cannonballs. I'll clean it up."

Joanna laughed again. "I think Matthew is a little young for pirates."

"Nonsense!" he declared, bracingly. "You're never too young for pirates."

"Arrr," Matthew confirmed, around her hair, and made them both crack up.