Where I'm Going, Where I've Been
Jun. 21st, 2019 11:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
intheheartTitle: Where I'm Going, Where I've Been
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Robbie deals with his childhood.
Warnings: Child abuse and domestic abuse.
Notes: I'm not sure if this counts as one poem or fifteen. I will accept the other mods' ruling. Also I still wanna do some more hurdles so hit me up.
12. I've been everywhere, man
I don't talk about this.
Not much anyway, but you
have asked so nicely.
So here it is, my life story
black, white, and red all over.
11. how I kept my mind is a wonder
I am angry all the time.
It is your fault, never mine.
I shout words kids shouldn't know.
I hit mother, blow on blow.
I am big and mean and cruel.
If you trust me you're a fool.
I should love you but I don't.
You should listen but you won't.
Who am I?
1. I grew up quick and I grew up mean
John Robert Robbie Me
scared and angry, dumb and wee
Mother's Robbie, father's John,
Leah's brother, no one's pawn.
Punching, kicking, yelling loud
Terrified that he'll be cowed.
Gets good grades but gets suspended
Wishes someone'd think he's splendid.
Scared of what's inside his gene
Johnny Robert Boy McKean.
5. God's gonna cut you down
God is great and good.
I hear that every Sunday.
So why do you still breathe?
3. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
I
dream about
running you down
getting in a car
and gunning the engine hard
listening to it rev while you
look up, gasp, and start to run
but you don't get very far, father dear,
and I watch you die, shattered on the pavement,
your blood my blood spilling red on black-- and laugh.
9. did you know how much I love you?
I love my sisters. This is fact, unchanged
by what entrapped us in our childhood days.
You'd think we would be wary, and estranged
but we are close, our hands linked in the maze.
My sister Leah, eldest, dearest, best,
remembers all we lived through, all we faced,
yet still she's loving, thoughtful, gracious, blessed,
not like her brother, whom violence debased.
There's Beth and Caty, too young then to know
Who live their lives untouched by bruise or scar,
I'd give my life to see them stay aglow
that no brutality will their lives mar.
I love my mother, too, but must admit
I love her, and I hate her just a bit.
13. everybody won't be treated all the same
Oh mother, I know what you did for us.
I know it all.
I heard him shout and scream and cuss.
Oh mother, I know what you did for us.
I saw him hit you like a bus.
I saw you fall.
Oh mother, I know what you did for us.
I know it all.
2. it can get you into trouble but it can't get you out
We left. Now what?
Divorce. Now what?
We moved. Now what?
Small rooms. Now what?
New school. Now what?
Bullies. Now what?
Hit hard. Now what?
Black eye. Now what?
Sent home. Now what?
Still hurts. Now what?
Now what?
Now what?
15. I fell into a burning ring of fire
I put my fist through the wall yesterday.
I'll be just like him if I keep on this way.
8. I set off running to wake from the dream
I can't run away from what's inside my head.
I still can't escape from the words that he said.
I'll never be like him, I vow every day,
and watch myself follow the path that he led.
6. I never thought I needed help before
There's a place you can go, they say, where people will
Hear you. Have you
Ever imagined such a thing?
Really, it seems impossible
After everything I've been through in my life.
Please, you really think I'd believe that? And
Yet.
4. up front there oughta be a man in black
[transcript: Grant McKean passed away. i don't want to care.]
7. yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow's out of sight
"And how,"
I ask my therapist, smiling,
"do I let go of this?"
She shrugs, and says,
"Be now."
10. because you're mine, I walk the line
My sister calls and asks me to come out
To Central Park, after she graduates
And says, "I'd really like it," with some doubt.
I go. She is my sister, and the states
Between us are no bar for those I love.
I take an airplane, and between the gates
I realize this: that all others above,
I love my sisters. I knew it before,
When we still feared a shout or painful shove,
But now it's different. Now it's something more.
Now it is a hope, a breath, a hand
that reaches out and stops the closing door.
14. there's things that never will be right
I dream about him sometimes.
Not like how I used to dream. No blood, no gore,
no laughing while he dies.
Now he's shouting, pounding
his fists raw and huge
on the pane of glass
between us.
I am far, far away, and he is fading.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Robbie deals with his childhood.
Warnings: Child abuse and domestic abuse.
Notes: I'm not sure if this counts as one poem or fifteen. I will accept the other mods' ruling. Also I still wanna do some more hurdles so hit me up.
12. I've been everywhere, man
I don't talk about this.
Not much anyway, but you
have asked so nicely.
So here it is, my life story
black, white, and red all over.
11. how I kept my mind is a wonder
I am angry all the time.
It is your fault, never mine.
I shout words kids shouldn't know.
I hit mother, blow on blow.
I am big and mean and cruel.
If you trust me you're a fool.
I should love you but I don't.
You should listen but you won't.
Who am I?
1. I grew up quick and I grew up mean
John Robert Robbie Me
scared and angry, dumb and wee
Mother's Robbie, father's John,
Leah's brother, no one's pawn.
Punching, kicking, yelling loud
Terrified that he'll be cowed.
Gets good grades but gets suspended
Wishes someone'd think he's splendid.
Scared of what's inside his gene
Johnny Robert Boy McKean.
5. God's gonna cut you down
God is great and good.
I hear that every Sunday.
So why do you still breathe?
3. I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
I
dream about
running you down
getting in a car
and gunning the engine hard
listening to it rev while you
look up, gasp, and start to run
but you don't get very far, father dear,
and I watch you die, shattered on the pavement,
your blood my blood spilling red on black-- and laugh.
9. did you know how much I love you?
I love my sisters. This is fact, unchanged
by what entrapped us in our childhood days.
You'd think we would be wary, and estranged
but we are close, our hands linked in the maze.
My sister Leah, eldest, dearest, best,
remembers all we lived through, all we faced,
yet still she's loving, thoughtful, gracious, blessed,
not like her brother, whom violence debased.
There's Beth and Caty, too young then to know
Who live their lives untouched by bruise or scar,
I'd give my life to see them stay aglow
that no brutality will their lives mar.
I love my mother, too, but must admit
I love her, and I hate her just a bit.
13. everybody won't be treated all the same
Oh mother, I know what you did for us.
I know it all.
I heard him shout and scream and cuss.
Oh mother, I know what you did for us.
I saw him hit you like a bus.
I saw you fall.
Oh mother, I know what you did for us.
I know it all.
2. it can get you into trouble but it can't get you out
We left. Now what?
Divorce. Now what?
We moved. Now what?
Small rooms. Now what?
New school. Now what?
Bullies. Now what?
Hit hard. Now what?
Black eye. Now what?
Sent home. Now what?
Still hurts. Now what?
Now what?
Now what?
15. I fell into a burning ring of fire
I put my fist through the wall yesterday.
I'll be just like him if I keep on this way.
8. I set off running to wake from the dream
I can't run away from what's inside my head.
I still can't escape from the words that he said.
I'll never be like him, I vow every day,
and watch myself follow the path that he led.
6. I never thought I needed help before
There's a place you can go, they say, where people will
Hear you. Have you
Ever imagined such a thing?
Really, it seems impossible
After everything I've been through in my life.
Please, you really think I'd believe that? And
Yet.
4. up front there oughta be a man in black
[transcript: Grant McKean passed away. i don't want to care.]
7. yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow's out of sight
"And how,"
I ask my therapist, smiling,
"do I let go of this?"
She shrugs, and says,
"Be now."
10. because you're mine, I walk the line
My sister calls and asks me to come out
To Central Park, after she graduates
And says, "I'd really like it," with some doubt.
I go. She is my sister, and the states
Between us are no bar for those I love.
I take an airplane, and between the gates
I realize this: that all others above,
I love my sisters. I knew it before,
When we still feared a shout or painful shove,
But now it's different. Now it's something more.
Now it is a hope, a breath, a hand
that reaches out and stops the closing door.
14. there's things that never will be right
I dream about him sometimes.
Not like how I used to dream. No blood, no gore,
no laughing while he dies.
Now he's shouting, pounding
his fists raw and huge
on the pane of glass
between us.
I am far, far away, and he is fading.
