Because

[intheheart]

Title: Because
Rating: PG
Summary: I love you because.
Warnings: some background mentions of religious persecution, and a person dies, but that's about it.
Notes: Don't let the eraser fool you. This is really just a ridiculous collection of sap. Brush your teeth after reading. The author is not responsible for any resulting cavities.


2. Love is my religion and I could die for that. I could die for you. - John Keats

The first time I saw Gina, I knew that I could die for her.

It wasn't that she was beautiful, although of course she is, and stunningly so. It wasn't even that she looked at me with desire—that just made me want her. It was... there was something about her that called to me, something that needed me, something I needed in her. I could die for that, I thought, and I took her.

That was years ago, when I only knew how to die for her.

Now I know that I could live for her. And I do.


16. Love is, above all, the gift of oneself. - Jean Anouilh

I went away to find my freedom, and I found Ivy.

I found my freedom first, of course. I needed to find it, before I could allow myself to find her. When your life has been limited as long as you can remember, it is nearly impossible to know what you want—I needed to learn how to choose.

And she knew that, didn't she? She was so kind. She gave me time, and she gave me the choice. She never demanded anything. She never even asked, only offered.

That's why she has me, you know. Because she never asked.

--

6. Love is a beautiful dream. - William Sharp

I know I shouldn't have her. I know she's not for me. But... if you were in my place, would you not dream? Would you ignore what was building between you?

There is a place between longing and fulfillment that I inhabit every time Olivia is near. She brings me luncheon, and I dream that we are married. She smiles at me, or touches my hand, and I dream that we belong to each other, that at any moment I might kiss her.

It is only a dream, but dreams are sometimes necessary if we are to go on breathing.


9. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu

I am not a brave person. I am not a coward, either, but I have found it easier to let life roll over me. Some things aren't worth the fight. But others...

Jake wouldn't fight for me, and at first I thought that meant I wasn't worth fighting for. After my father came for me, though, I realized it was just the opposite—he fought himself every day, because he thought I wouldn't be happy with him.

Stupid of him, but it gave me the strength to go back to him. As for the courage...

I had that all along.

--

7. We were two and had but one heart. - Francois Villon

When I was small, my parents often seemed to know without speaking what the other felt. I know now that it was an intimate knowledge of each other that made them seem as one being, but to me, that is more magical than mere thought-reading.

I don't ever just know. But I can look at Clara, and know that she is unhappy. I don't ever know why, though more and more often I can guess. But I can ask her, and she will tell me.

I know her heart. She speaks it to me.

That is more magical than anything.


13. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along. - Rumi

I knew I was going to marry Aaron the day we met.

It was really that simple, thinking back on it. I'd had suitors before, sweet and lovely men, even an offer of marriage that I seriously considered, but none of them ever felt quite right. And of course they weren't; I was waiting for Aaron. Then Ethan found work in Portsmouth, and I met Aaron in the marketplace.

There you are, I nearly said. Where have you been? I've missed you.

I said good morning instead, and he smiled at me, and I know he was thinking the same.

--

10. Where there is love there is life. - Gandhi

I died the day I got the news.

I loved Susanna from the moment I saw her, lovely and shining among the queen's ladies. I loved her enough to brave the queen herself, to ask for Susanna's hand, and God must smile on lovers for her majesty gave it without a murmur. I loved her still when children did not come. And when we had our Gina, ah, I thought my heart would burst from joy.

I did not want to leave her in England.

I can't help thinking she would still be alive, if only I hadn't left her.


14. Love consists in desiring to give what is our own to another and feeling his delight as our own. - Emanuel Swedenborg

I knew from the start that he would have to go, of course. One does not turn down the queen, and besides, Robert was so happy when he got the position that I couldn't help but be happy as well. I have only seen him happier twice before: when I accepted his proposal of marriage, and when our daughter was born.

I also knew that I couldn't go. My health at the time was delicate. I did not dare the crossing.

Now that my life is ending, I wish that I had gone. Better to die with Robert than alone.

--

1. I love you - those three words have my life in them. - Tsarina Alexandra

Being with Hugh—I have not given up very much. My family has disowned me, of course, except for Alan, who has his own Christian love, and it hurts, but... what have I lost?

A better question is what have I gained.

I never was very happy, before. Perhaps I was not unhappy either, but there was nothing of what I feel only looking on his face. He likes to hold me, to rest his chin atop my head. He makes me feel that I am precious.

Allahu akbar. He is my life. How can I be unhappy with that?


11. There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

I tried not to love Joanna. I truly did. Of course, anyone who's ever loved another could tell you how futile an effort it was—and I of all men should have known better. Still.

She would not want to stay with me. I thought I knew that. She was, is too young for me, and I do know that. She is pagan, and even if she were not I cannot marry her, as I still have a wife.

And none of this mattered to me. I tried not to love her; I love her anyway.

I've given up trying.

--

12. There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. - Friedrich Nietzsche

Of course it's mad. Who would believe it? Even Summer and Felipe's marriage is odd, though not that odd—it's not as if England and Portugal aren't technically allies. Summer and I, that's a scandal, though perhaps not unusual. Felipe and I... is impossible, and the three of us together, even more so.

It's mad. It's risky. It could even be stupid. But.

But there's Summer, breathing softly, thoughtful, logical. There's Felipe, laughing, clever and quick. His heart and Summer's mind and me. I don't know what I am, beyond essential.

It's completely mad, and I can't do without it.


28. Love builds bridges where there are none. - R.H. Delaney

All my life I have been a stranger. Perhaps not to my family, but they are strangers themselves—my mother the noble and my father the sailor, my sister the pirate and her lover the lady, my brother the gentle and his wife the fierce. To others we are all strangers, and I even more so, because I do not understand them. I never have.

That doesn't seem to matter, though, with my boys. If I do not understand, they explain to me. If I feel a stranger, they welcome me, embrace me.

I have never felt more at home.


19. It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is better than not to be able to love at all. - William Thackeray

I have never loved wisely. I'm not even sure it's possible to love wisely. But this is surely the most foolish way I've ever loved.

I've loved Zack for years; I'd grown used to it, and to knowing I'd never have him. To love Summer, that was foolish too, for what she was—to wed her, and to welcome Zack into our hearts, still more foolish, but I did it anyway.

Our children are a motley lot, dark and fair. People stare when we linger too close. To love as we do risks everything.

How could we do anything else?

--

15. I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. - Roy Croft

I've spent most of my life angry. And I've had a perfect right to be angry, I should add, although I'll not tell you why, for it's none of your business. Besides, it would make me rage, and I've had my fill of that.

Lars calms me down. Not completely. I'm still angry, and I make foolish decisions and nearly get myself killed. I still start fights I don't know if I can finish. But he's there, and he loves me, and he has my back. I haven't anything to prove.

I'm not so angry, with him. I like that.


25. You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. - Sam Keen

Of course Danny is a little bit mad.

Why should she be anything else? She's seen so much, lost so much, and all of it so young. And why should that change how I feel about her? I've lost much too—I know that madness. I know how the darkness takes her, and why.

She's a bit mad. She's a bit dangerous. She's also a bit sharp and a bit reckless, and she wheezes when she sleeps, almost snores. I know her. I understand her. I've been her.

Of course I know what she is. I love her for it.

--

5. Love is an energy which exists of itself. It is its own value. - Thornton Wilder

My family doesn't understand it. They accept it, because they must if they wish to see me or my children, but they don't understand how I could marry a man with naught to his name.

Because they insist upon complicating things that are really quite simple, they seek answers in all the wrong places, when it comes down to this: I love Nathan. I love his eyes and his smile and how much love he gives to a child not his own. I love how he looks at me, how he touches me. I love him.

That's more than enough.


17. Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable. - Henry Ward Beecher

It's fair to say that we have both loved unwisely. She gave her heart to an unworthy man, and I set my hopes on a woman who loved her freedom more. We were young, barely more than children, and if we had not loved unwisely, then we never would have met.

Gail is my bedrock and my touchstone. What I feel for her is not without its passion, but it's deeper than that—she is my partner, my other half, and how do you worship a part of yourself?

I am grateful for every foolish choice that brought us closer.

--

18. Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze. - Elynor Glyn

I am not a very romantic person. Not surprising, really—I am a Swede by birth, and English by upbringing, and neither blood carries much whimsy. Pragmatics ruled my childhood, and even now I hold to them in times of darkness. There is a certain comfort in that.

Thea makes life rather different.

I am not given to sentiment. I find it difficult to speak words of love, or be affectionate before others. Still, when I am standing with her, I feel as if I understand a little what all those poets are reaching for when they sing of love.


20. Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - Robert Frost

I always wanted to fall in love, even when I was a tiny girl. My parents loved each other deeply—there are nine of us children, not coincidentally—and I wanted what they had for myself. I wanted to be that happy.

I don't think I ever really pictured the man I would love, but if I did, he was nothing like Henrik. No florid declarations of love or extravagant gestures for us. Just the press of a hand in mine when I need it, or a kiss at the back of my neck.

I've no more need to dream.

--

4. Love is patient, love is kind. - Corinthians

Love is patient, love is kind, or that is what the priest says. He says also that the word, caritas, does not mean the love of a man for a woman. That our words for it—charity, love—are never quite right. This I understand, more than the priest expected.

I loved Nathan and our son both. I loved them enough to know that I did not love them as they needed and deserved. I am not patient, but I am kind, and so I left them for another, who was both.

Tell me then: was that such a sin?


22. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all. - Samuel Butler

I don't regret Melanie. I am often told that I should—that I should regret my involvement with her, if not her presence in my life altogether. I don't, though. In the end, what she gave me was greater than the price I paid.

I'm not just speaking of Aaron, although of course he is a blessing. There was also a kind of understanding. It was not the first time I had lost someone, but the first time I had lost someone so dear, the first time I understood my own limitations.

She gave me that. It was worth it.

--

3. Soul meets soul on lover's lips. - Percy Bysshe Shelley

I've never been alone in my life. When you've six siblings and twelve aunts and uncles and truly innumerable cousins, it's difficult to find a breath of air, let alone privacy. I board now with my sister and her husband, and they've four children and likely more on the way, not to mention the children I teach.

I don't mind. I like the company—it fills something hollow inside of me. So does being with Hector.
I don't know how he does it. It usually takes many people, but with him, just one kiss.

I have never been so content.


24. Love is a little haven of refuge from the world. - Bertrand A. Russell

I live a constricted life. A very privileged life, true, but constricted all the same—I must fulfill my duties to the ambassador, keep company with those of the English court who request it, and otherwise look attractive and attentive while also fading into the background. I had rather be here than in Spain, but it is not perfect.

The nights are my own, though, and I spend them with Theo. In his eyes, his voice, his smile and his body, I can lose my fetters and become myself alone, his lover and his heart.

It is worth every moment.

--

8. Talking of love is making it. - William G. Benham

I talk too much. Everyone's said it—my father, my mother, my sister (though I don't much credit what she says), suitors, neighbors. I can’t think it much of a crime, though. I like to talk, and how else would I know what goes on if I didn't talk to people?

That's why I fell in love with Gary, I think. Not that he's much of a talker, but he listens to me, with the most patient, perfect attention I have ever had. He thinks I'm worth that attention, that respect.

I am, but he's the first that thought it.


23. There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved. - George Sand

My parents weren't very happy. Well, and why should they have been? They married like most do, as a business transaction, and spent the rest of their lives avoiding each other. I think they were happy when my sister and I were twins—one less encounter to have.

I never wanted that. I don't have it, either. I won't say there weren't material considerations, but I love Lynne, and she loves me. We love our children, too, and our work. It's not perfect, but nothing is.

I wouldn't change a hair on Lynne's head. I suppose that's all that matters.

--

29. Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. - Saint-Exupery

I did not expect that I would ever find someone who would make me want to stay. And indeed, I have not. My life with Ben is something entirely different.

It is not so much that we wander together. Ben enjoys his home. I do not always wander alone, for he enjoys me too, but much of the time I am alone, walking the roads between London and Sheffield.
Even an eagle must have its nest. He is my aerie, my shelter. He does not hold me, and so I return.

We have made something together. I greatly appreciate that.


26. Love is always bestowed as a gift -- freely, willingly, and without expectation.... We don't love to be loved; we love to love. - Leo Buscaglia

I do not recall exactly how I fell in love with Melanie, or how I came to know her, come to that. It seems as if she has always been in my life, as a larger bed or an extra plate on the dinner table, small tokens accumulating among my things, long hairs caught on the pillow. Sometimes I wake and she is sleeping beside me, peaceful.

It's true that we aren't married. It's true that she is away more often than not. What of it?

I do not love her to change her. I love her as she is.

--

21. The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. - Helen Keller

I'm quite used to going without things. Comes of being an Irish girl in an English city, even more of being an Irish servant in an English house in bloody foreign parts. You don't get the good in life, you get the slap and devil take the hindmost. And me a good Catholic girl!

So is my Lily too. Good Catholic girls. We pray together, hold hands and talk of the next world, where all our suffering will be redeemed. Where we'll be together for all.

She is my good in this life. What's more must wait for the next.


27. Love is the life of the soul. It is the harmony of the universe. - William Ellery Channing

My mother would turn in her grave if she knew what I do, serving the English in their arrogant houses. That is not why we stayed, she would say, shaking her finger. We stayed to defeat them. We stayed to prove we were better.

I think we stayed because God wanted me to.

If I hadn't stayed, if we had gone with the family I never would have met Bridget, would I? God meant me to meet Bridget, I'm sure of it. Love redeems, doesn't it? And we love each other.

That's it. We stayed so I could love Bridget.

--

30. Real love stories never have endings. - Richard Bach

It's not an ending.

Things and places change. Children grow up, become adults. People change their minds, and leave, and die. But it's not an ending. It's never an ending.

Love goes on, after all. Parents love each other and love their children who love each other and their lovers and their children and on and on, and it changes every time but it's always the same love, the only heirloom everyone shares.

So it isn't a question, really, of beginnings and endings. It's all the same story. It's all a love story. It only depends on where you look.