Whadaya Want From Me?

[intheheart]

Title: Whadaya Want From Me?
Rating: R
Summary: Danny Sierbenski in twenty songs or less.
Warnings: Child and domestic abuse, violence, sexual assault, drug use. Also Danny cusses a lot. Also also, I keep feeling like I've missed something, so if you spot something I should have warned for and didn't, my deepest apologies and tell me right away please!
Notes: Four down, eight to go. Danny portrayed by the gorgeous and awesome Pink. Perhaps unsurprisingly, this mix has lots of Pink on it.








Family Portrait, Pink
You fight about money, 'bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain't easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin' what love could be, you'll see



Everything went wrong when Danny was two, just before Michael was born.

What few hazy memories she had of the time before were swathed in a strange golden glow. Even the time she'd fallen off her high chair and scarred her chin was a good memory, because she'd gotten to eat ice cream and be cuddled all the time.

Then one day Mommy started yelling at Daddy, and after that, nothing was ever the same again.

Danny felt bad for Michael, mummified in his baby wrappings. He'd never known the good times.

Sometimes, she wished she hadn't either.



One Foot Wrong, Pink
But one foot wrong
And I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Somebody gets it



She was so done with this place.

For fuck's sake, she was only thirteen, shouldn't she want to grow up a little? But she didn't, she just wanted to run the hell away, pack her shit up and leave like her father did last week. She couldn't blame him for leaving.

She hated everyone here; her mother, her classmates, her teachers, the people on the street who gave her pitying looks. Michael was the only one she cares anything about, the only one keeping her here.

If it weren't for him, she'd be long gone.

And she was only thirteen.



Crash Goes My World, Cadence Grace
I like to crank the volume
I love the sound of breaking glass
Crash goes my world
I look back at the future
And I look forward to the big blast
Crash goes my world



Danny knew she'd get blamed for anything that went wrong, so eventually she just... went with it. It was fun to self-destruct, in a macabre sort of way. Flunk a test? Rip it up dramatically in the teacher's face and stalk out of the classroom. Get grounded? Sneak out of the house and get a tattoo. She even pierced her nose, just to fuck with her mother. Why not? It wasn't like she had anything to lose.

Michael watched her with sad eyes, but she did it anyway.

It wasn't like she could be a worse influence than their parents.



The Kids Are All Fucked Up, Cobra Starship
The city's asleep and the world is mine
We hide and go seek
And you know they'll never, ever, ever find us
They don't know about us
Everyone's asleep when we play
Yeah the kids are all fucked up



She was almost twenty when she met Riker, so damn close to getting out she could taste it. Less than a year until Michael hit eighteen and they could leave this town in the dust. She was so wound up she couldn't sleep; Riker had the solution.

She only did coke once-- scared Michael so badly she swore it off. But the weed, now, that was good shit. It relaxed her, kept her from going through the fucking roof.

Even Michael, the little prude, thought it was good for her.

She kept a stash for the rest of her life.



In the Navy, The Village People
In the navy
Yes, you can sail the seven seas
In the navy
Yes, you can put your mind at ease
In the navy
Come on now, people, make a stand
In the navy, in the navy



Danny didn't know what she'd been expecting from the Navy, but it for damn sure wasn't what she got.

She worked until she dropped, for one thing-- she, who'd never put in effort in her life, who'd slacked off everything she ever got. She pushed herself past limits she didn't even know she had. The Navy gave her discipline, an outlet, a motive, a desire to be the best she hadn't even known she had.

She outstripped the rest of her class in the first three weeks, and she never looked back.



Fuck Off Song, Reel Big Fish
Cause you don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like
You don't know what it's like to be like me.
You don't know so keep your mouth shut.



She still hated everyone except Michael, though. And the commander-- George Torrence, firm but fair, every cliché you'd expect-- she respected him, if not liked him. But she hated everyone else.

They just made it so fucking easy for her. Her shipmates stole her shit, blamed things on her, vandalized her bunk, made sexual comments. Her officers didn't bother getting to know her. One guy even pinned her to her bed and groped her, though that stopped real damn quick after she put him in the infirmary.

She was better than them, but that wasn't a lot of comfort.



Breathe Me, Sia
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe



Even hatred ran out eventually.

She was still the best, but so what? Where had that gotten her? Her shipmates and officers still hated her. She got promoted but it got her nothing but a raise. Michael was far away; all she ever got was the occasional letter. Everything stabbed at her, every day.

Well, all right then, Danny decided, she'd just be apathetic. But even that protection would go, someday.

She met Nathan two weeks later. Something was looking out for her, anyway.



No Fear, Terri Clark
I used to hit every wall there was
I used to run away from love
All I ever wanted was right here
But I had to reach way down inside
I had to have faith I'd find
No fear



Anger only got you so far, Danny'd learned. Hate and apathy too ran out sometime. So what came after that?

Well, there was Nathan, more of a father to her in six months than her own had ever been. There was his family, a rough-and-tumble collection of teasing and love, the kind of family she'd always wanted, the kind of family she'd always thought she was too fucked up to get.

"We're all a little fucked up," Nathan told her. "Make it work for you."

So she did.


Have A Nice Day, Bon Jovi
Shining like a diamond, rolling with the dice,
Standing on the ledge, I show the wind how to fly.
When the world gets in my face,
I say, have a nice day.



"Control your temper," Nathan told her. "The best revenge is being better than they are."

At first, she didn't believe him. She'd been better than they were all through the Navy and it hadn't mattered a damn. But slowly, she began to see what he meant.

When a one-night-stand called her a whore, she just patted him on the head. When a coworker failed to get her written up, she only shook her head, and tsked. Their impotent fury left her with a warm glow.

Some people just needed to be punched. But she kind of liked this new way.



Cobras Never Say Die, Cobra Starship
Come on, baby, take my hand
You know I'll never run, run, run
Come on, baby, take a stand
We'll never have to run, run, run



Danny wouldn't back down.

That, she considered, was both her best and worst trait. She stood up. She faced her enemies down. She usually came away with a bloody nose, but the other guy almost always came off worse.

She taught Summer how to throw a punch, and where to kick for maximum pain. She never let her bosses patronize or harass her. She had men when she wanted them; stuck with them if she felt like it. She stood between her loved ones and the world, and dared it to try and take her down.

Somehow, it never tried.



Invincible, The Vettes
I'm not your possession
You're so smart I guess you should have known
One day I'd get away
I hope it hurts you when I'm gone
When your world starts to break
Then you'll see you can't stop me now



Danny was five years old when she realized that she hated her parents.

It was sick. Her father was so totally absent and uncaring that she couldn't have loved him if he tried, and her mother took everything out on her, protecting Michael at the expense of everything else, including her daughter. Neither of them gave a damn for Danny, so she stopped giving a damn about them.

She'd decided that someday she would leave them both behind, and never think of them again.

It didn't work quite that way, but at least she got out.



Orange Sky, Alexi Murdoch
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you, that's when I miss you
You are my home ...
Here is what I know now
Goes like this..
In your love, my salvation lies



The first thing people asked when they found out about her childhood was why she didn’t hate Michael.

Danny honestly had no answer for that. When you looked at it that way, she really should have. Even if their father didn't care, their mother more than made up for it, coddling and spoiling Michael for all she was worth.

But it wasn't Michael's fault, any of it. He'd done his best to protect her, because he loved her. He'd tried to help her. He'd thought her worthy of everything.

For that alone, she loved him.



You and Me Against the World, The Sleeping Years
We’ve been trying for so long
just to be ourselves, to be left alone,
well if everyone is getting slow
then it’s you and me against the world.



They huddled under the covers together, listening to their mother screaming at their father downstairs.

Michael turned into her, and whispered, "What're you going to do when we get out?"

"I'm gonna buy all the ice cream I can carry," she whispered back, "and then we're gonna eat it all. What're you going to do when we get out?"

"I'm gonna go wherever I want. Anywhere in the world. And I'm gonna take you with me." His hand stole into hers.

Tears pricked at her eyes. "We go together," she said.

"No matter what," he said.



Wake The Sun, The Matches
Every dawn gets its day like
Every gal gets her way like
Every step that I lay down brings me where I'm from
To lay down, lay down, to lay my cross
Wake up, wake up, wake the sun



"So I sold another book," Michael said.

Danny switched the phone to her other shoulder, the better to open her front door. "Oh yeah? Where're you going this time?"

"Russia," he said, and she could hear him smiling. "Moscow, specifically, but I'm going to see if I can't wangle St. Petersburg, too."

"Wow," she said, sincerely. "Have fun. Bring me some vodka."

"Will do," Michael said. He paused, then added, "So we really made it, huh?"

Danny unlocked her door, and smiled. "Every day, Michael," she said. "We make it every day."



I'm Still Here, John Rzeznik
And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am



"It's hard," Nathan said, "and don't ever let anyone tell you it isn't, but the thing is, Danny, it is possible. Everything you ever wanted, everything people told you that you couldn't get, you can have it all if you just hold on to yourself, and let go of everything else. Know what's you, and what's the past. Know who you are and what you want, and the rest will follow."

She never let those words (or him) go, and they (and he) never let her down.



Kill Me Now, The Vettes
Just kill me now, kill me now
Let me die in peace
We're stuck in love, oh oh
There's no way out
The radio's on and they're playing our song



She was not okay with being in love, and definitely not okay with being in love with Lars.

For fuck's sake, he was normal. Okay, he had shitty-ass taste in girlfriends, but so did Gina (Ivy notwithstanding) and she was about as normal and non-fucked-up as you got. Danny was so not normal, so angry and so fucked up, she was pretty damn sure she couldn't handle any relationship, let alone one with somebody as normal as Lars.

So she refused to admit it. She refused to let it out.

It was only going to end in tears anyway.



Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely), Pink
Go away
Give me a chance to miss you
Say goodbye
It'll make me want to kiss you



He asked for too much too damn fast.

Danny hated this part of relationships, the talking and the working things out. In her experience it always ended in screaming, which was why she'd stuck to one-night-stands for so long. But Lars was different-- she'd been contemplating him for years, and maybe sort of in love with him for months, and she really, really wanted it to work out.

But he was asking for too much, too damn fast.

God, she hated this part.



Whadaya Want From Me, Pink
Just don't give up I'm workin' it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
He messed me up, need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around
Hey, whataya want from me
Whataya want from me



"I'm trying," she said.

"I know," Lars said, and she shook her head.

"No, you don't. Look, I'm trying. I don't want to get married and I sure as fuck don't want kids, but I do want to be with you, and I am trying, it's just that I'm no good at this relationship shit. I'm trying to move on, but you have to give me time. You have to let me try. Just keep letting me try, and I swear to God I'll do everything I can."

"I know," he said, again, and this time she believed him.



Come On Get Higher, Matt Nathanson
So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love



As fucked-up and as angry and as violent as they could get, she and Lars really worked.

It shocked her that they worked as well as they did. None of her other boyfriends had been this good for her. But Lars just rolled with her punches, called her on her shit and told her straight up what he was feeling. He never let her twist in the wind but he always let her run away, and he always let her come back.

It was so fucked up.

But it did work. And that was all she could really ask for.



God Is A DJ, Pink
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
Love is the rhythm
You are the music
If God is a DJ
Life is a dance floor
You get what you're given
It's all how you use it



Danny kinda thought she'd figured it out, now.

So what, she was never going to get married. So what, she was never going to have kids. So what, she was going to spend the rest of her life teaching self-defense in a shitty run-down building in Queens.

She was going to spend the rest of her life with a guy she loved, talking to her brother every Sunday night, drinking with her friends, watching their kids grow up.

She was going to spend the rest of her life living the life she wanted.

And that was all that really mattered.