Calendar Girl

[intheheart]

Title: Calendar Girl
Rating: R
Summary: Olivia Marhenke in twenty songs or less.
Notes: The third of my eight (!!) main characters. Why did I write so many main characters. Olivia played by the adorable and talented Regina Spektor.
Warnings: Emotional abuse, depressive thoughts and actions, depiction of a panic attack, implications of suicide, implications of sexual assault in Damaged (not in document), and Olivia describes herself as "crazy" with a derogatory edge.









Charmed Life, Sixpence None The Richer
It's a charmed life
Unexplainable grace
Stumbling, you fall right into place
It's a childlike world and you can feel the magic
Far from the typically tragic
That's the beauty of a charmed life



For as long as she could remember, Olivia had known that she was loved.

How could she not? Her earliest memory was of holding her father's hands, staggering dizzily around the living room while he crooned Elvis and the Beatles. Sunny, he'd called her, his sunny little girl. His brightness, and he was her god.

She didn't remember much of her mother from those days. She didn't know if she'd erased her mother, or if Yvonne simply hadn't been there.

It hardly mattered, in the end.



Damaged, Plumb
I'm damaged, so how would I know
I'm scared, and I'm alone...
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away



She didn't want to believe her mother, but who else would know better? She freely admitted that she saw her father with the eyes of adoration, not reality, and though she couldn't quite believe that he'd ever hurt her, that he wouldn't love her...

Olivia knew very well she didn't deserve anything she'd been given. She could believe that he wouldn't love her anymore very, very easily.

She went with her mother, and she kept her head down, and she bled inside and never said a word.



Radio, Vienna Teng
It's just the radio darling,
Just the radio and your runaway imagination
Just the radio darling
We can turn away to another station



The first attack happened because her bus was late.

It was so ridiculous. She was standing out in the freezing air and of course the bus was late, the road was icy. But as she stood there at the bus stop, her heart and her breath picked up and she started to shake and all she could think... she was late, she'd missed the bus, she'd be late, she'd get demerits, she'd be expelled, her mother would kill her...

She wound up huddled by the side of the road, crying.

She never did go to school that day.



Drought, Vienna Teng
And the taste of dried-up hopes in my mouth
And the landscape of merry and desperate drought
Once I knew myself and with knowing came love
I would know love again if I had faith enough...
So angels, inside is the only way out



College was dreadful-- the first year, anyway.

It was just... she was so alone. Her mother called only when she felt like it, and only to scream at her and cut her confidence to shreds. Her father was so far away, and he didn’t love her anyway. She had no friends. Her advisor barely knew her, her teachers thought she was strange, and she was never going to get out, never going to be all right again.

She couldn't even feel the panic anymore.

Olivia pulled the blankets over her head and waited, dry-eyed, for sleep.



Be Ok, Ingrid Michaelson
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today



The medication helped. She could get out of bed, at least, and start doing her work again. She could even talk to her mother without crying for an hour afterwards-- she was down to five minutes now, tops.

But she knew it wasn't enough.

She had to get out of here. Out of the Midwest, with its endless plains and emptiness, away from her mother, who poisoned every triumph she'd ever had.

The medication helped. It made her feel okay.

She could work with okay.



Mother, Tori Amos
Be a good soldier
First my left foot
Then my right behind the other
Pantyhose
Running in the cold
Mother the car is here



Incredibly, impossibly, she'd gotten away with it.

She held her breath from the moment she got on the bus, until it finally got on the highway, too late for anyone to stop it. The wheels rumbled underneath and the pavement rushed past, other cars passing them, falling back, a ribbon of asphalt weaving its way forward. She was on her way.
She was free.

Olivia inhaled air laden with smoky exhaust, and began very quietly to cry.



Calendar Girl, Stars
One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost
Calendar girl, who is lost to the world
Stay alive



She stood by the window in her new apartment, looked out across the street, and thought that maybe she could actually do this.

She had a job-- teaching piano at a local private school, a job she could and would do well. She had an apartment-- a crappy studio, true, but there weren't any pests and she could afford groceries along with the rent. She had her freedom.

And best of all, her mother would never, ever find her. Not here, not lost in the bustling city.

Olivia put her hand against the glass, and tried to feel only alive.



Her Morning Elegance, Oren Lavie
And she fights for her life as she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain as it pours
And she fights for her life as she goes in a store
with a thought she has caught by a thread
she pays for the bread and she goes
Nobody knows



The thing that always struck her most about being crazy was how few people noticed. Oh, sure, it was fairly obvious when she was depressed, or having a panic attack-- but even then she was fairly sure most people just thought she was lazy, or overdramatic. But most of the time, when she managed to pretend, people looked right past her.

As if she didn't already know she was utterly alone.



Blackbird, Evan Rachel Wood
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.



Meeting Jake helped. Finding Gina again helped more. She had someone to kiss, and cry on, and sleep beside in the dark, empty nights. She had someone to talk to, to laugh with, to meet on Saturdays for lunch and manicures. There was Danny, who'd been there too, and Ivy, brash and fearless and joyful. Aaron, Lars, even little Summer, so many wonderful people who thought she was wonderful.

Here with them in New York City, Olivia began to believe it too.



Mission Street, Vienna Teng
Well my hands are cold tonight
But the sky is bright with stars
And I'm tearing through the veil that keeps me blind
And it seems the more I'm wrong
The more that I am right



Jake had gotten home, fell full-length on the bed, and started to snore-- Olivia didn't get a word in. But that was all right. She'd tell him when he woke up.

He'd be thrilled. And so would her father, when she told him, and her stepmother-- that had been a surprise, but a wonderful one. Her friends would probably throw a party.

Five years ago she couldn't have managed this. She was so much better now.

She smiled at the thought, touched a hand to her belly, then to the window, and realized with faint surprise that she was happy.



Mother Knows Best, Tangled
Mother knows best; take it from your mumsy
On your own you won't survive
Sloppy, underdressed, immature, clumsy
Please, they'll eat you up alive



For so many years she was convinced that her mother was right.

Stupid fat ugly clumsy bitchy too quiet too loud too mean too nice oh my god, Olivia, why can't you just grow up? It played in her head in her mother's sharp voice, a broken record playing the same tune over and over and the worst part was that she believed every word.

One of her favorite things about Celexa was that it made her mother shut up.



Winding Road, Bonnie Somerville
And it's a winding road
I've been walking for a long time
I still don't know where it goes
And it's a long way home
I've been searching for a long time
I still have hope
I'm gonna find my way home


The surest proof that her father loved her was how much effort he'd gone to, trying to bring her home.

It wasn't even her father who told her about it. It was Joanna, solemn-mouthed but eyes smiling, who told her about the nights on the road, the awful motels, the constant calls to police. About finally finding her mother, and finding her gone-- it made her wince, when she thought that she'd only been gone for six months.

She never told him that, though.

He found her in the end.



All I Ever Wanted, Jim Brickman
[instrumental]



He held her tight against him, so tight she could feel her ribs creak, but it wasn't tight enough, she still couldn't convince herself this was real. She couldn't stop crying, either, and what if he thought that meant she wasn't beyond happy now?

"Daddy," she said, and tried to say I love you, but she couldn't force it past the lump in her throat.

"Oh, Sunny," he said.

She heard I love you too.


Winter, Tori Amos
When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast



"Sunny," her father said, quietly. "Sunny, you aren't happy."

"Of course I am," Olivia exclaimed, and knew she was lying half a second later. She pressed on. "I have you back, Daddy, that's all I ever wanted."

He put an arm around her shoulders, kissed her temple. "I know. It's all I ever wanted, too. But you get new dreams, Sunny. There's nothing wrong with that." He smiled. "I'll still love you, I promise."

She didn't deserve it.

She smiled back anyway.



St. Stephen's Cross, Vienna Teng
An old world made new
On the same holy ground.
She found him standing, looking lost
In the shadow of St. Stephen's cross.



Her father walked her down the aisle, at her wedding, and danced with her at the reception.

When she'd imagined getting married, Olivia had never imagined her father there, not after. She'd imagined herself in the white dress, and eventually Jake standing at the altar, but she'd never dared dream of her father. She'd thought him lost forever.

But there he was, dancing with Joanna, spinning her around and dipping her to the floor. At her wedding.

Maybe God had mercy after all.



Fidelity, Regina Spektor
And suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you



Jake was amazing.

Olivia had no other word for it. He was amazing. He put up with her flakiness and he helped her through her crazy, he held her when she was sad and danced with her when she was joyful. He didn't even complain about her practicing violin into the dark hours of the night-- but then again, he could sleep through anything.

To think she'd almost not accepted that job, almost not agreed to go get coffee with him.

It broke her heart to think of it, what she would have missed.


Heavy In Your Arms, Florence and the Machine
My love has concrete feet
My love's an iron ball
Wrapped around your ankles
Over the waterfall
I'm so heavy, heavy
Heavy in your arms



She had to break up with him. That was the thing no one understood, not even her father, not even Jake, but she had to break up with him. All those years Jake had wasted on her, coddling a frightened little girl in a grown-up dress, trying to coax her out of her shell when the shell was all there was-- she felt ill at the thought.

She could be something more. She knew she could. But it would be so long before she was, and Jake deserved so much better.



Knock Knock, Lenka
When life had locked me out
I turned to you
So open the door
'Cause you're all I need right now it's true
Nothin' works like you



Olivia didn't expect Jake to take her back. Not really.

She asked, because she'd figured out that while she could live without him, she hated doing it. She felt awful, going to sleep without his heartbeat under her ear, waking up to silence instead of his snoring. She slept badly and woke up tired. She made coffee in the morning for a household of tea-drinkers-- the smell made her homesick.

She never expected him to take her back. But he did, and she'd never been happier.



Somebody Loved, The Weepies
Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved



Jake was silent for a full minute after she told him. Olivia would have worried, but she knew him; he was just processing.

"Well," he said. "I guess we should finally get married, then."

She giggled. "I was thinking more along the lines of buying a crib."

"Well, yes, that too," Jake said, "obviously, but I mean it, we need to get married. Soon. Or your father will kill me."

Olivia giggled again. "He will not," she said, and began to say more when he kissed her.

"Also," he said. "I love you."

Dizzy, and thrilled, she smiled.



Happiness, The Weepies
It's a mean town but I don't care
Try and steal this
Can't steal happiness



Even if Yvonne came back now, Olivia thought, and tried to ruin her life again, there's nothing she could do.

Jake loved her, fully and completely; they'd survived the breakup, they could survive anything. Her father... Yvonne couldn't take him away from her, not ever again, and she couldn't hurt Hugh, either, not now that he had Joanna. Olivia's daughters... Yvonne would never come near them. Never even know about them.

Best of all, she was happy.

She tipped her face to the sun, and smiled. She was happy.

Nobody could take that away.