Whose Idea Was This?

[intheheart]

Title: Whose Idea Was This?
Rating: PG-13.
Summary: Someone makes a superhero movie about Cyprian and company, who are... less than pleased.
Story: Malapropism's Battle For the Sun.
Notes: Merry Christmas (or whichever is the correct holiday), Malapropism! Thanks for looking it over.


[CYPRIAN, CLIFF, KRISTEN and JAIDA file into a movie theater. CYPRIAN sits down in the first avaliable seat, looking very put-upon. CLIFF hesitates between the front row and a seat near CYPRIAN, and eventually chooses the latter. He looks excited, and pats the seat next to him until KRISTEN takes it. JAIDA remains standing.]

[JAIDA] idly playing with a knife So, whose fault is this?

[CYPRIAN] grunts

[CLIFF] Oh, come on. What can it hurt?

[KRISTEN] suspiciously I want to know what we're doing here. And what here is.

[CLIFF] shrugs He said something about storytelling with pictures. I thought it sounded kind of cool.

[CYPRIAN] with deep disgust You would.

[KRISTEN] persistently Are we sure Ragnar Merridan isn't behind this? I mean, it could be a trap.

[JAIDA] perks up Ooh, do you think so?

[CYPRIAN] No. He goes for outright torture. This is a little too subtle.

[The lights begin to dim. CLIFF perks up.]

[CLIFF] Quiet! Here we go!

[The movie begins to play. There are several moments of silence.]

[JAIDA] starts laughing.

[CYPRIAN] with rising horror They think I'd eat some random plant without even talking to it first? What the hell kind of idiot do they think I am? Forget superheroes, that's a really good way to turn yourself into a dead person!

[KRISTEN] very clearly Does Not Comment.

[CLIFF] Hey, you know what your hero name should be? whispers in his ear.

[CYPRIAN] after a stunned and possibly horrified silence Fuck no!

[CLIFF] Oh, come on.

[CYPRIAN] What part of 'fuck no' said 'persuade me' to you?

[CLIFF] Why not? It's a good description.

[CYPRIAN] A, I see no reason for a hero name at all, b, if I was to have a hero name, it wouldn't be merely descriptive, and c, you really can't see the problem with Cranky Plant Dude?

[CLIFF] subdued Well, you are.

pause

[CLIFF] brightens How about Clorophyll Man?

[CYPRIAN] I hate you.

[JAIDA] laughs harder.

[CLIFF] I'll come up for something. Ooh, look, here's me!

[There is another moment of silence.]

[JAIDA] laughing.

[CYPRIAN] laughing.

[CLIFF] grumpily Come on. It isn't that funny.

[KRISTEN] quickly swallows a giggle It's... sweet, Cliff, really.

[CLIFF] grumbles Sweet. Great. He gets to grow plants, and I get sweet. Lovely.

[KRISTEN] You have to admit, it's just like you.

[CLIFF] I really didn't need the damsel in distress radar!

[CYPRIAN] calming down Yeah, you were doing fine on your own.

[JAIDA] He was all of them! starts laughing again.

[CLIFF] No, I wasn't! I...

[On screen, a brief montage of all the times CLIFF has been in distress]

[CLIFF] ...shut up.

[KRISTEN] Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it can't be worse than what they did to Cyprian's hair.

[CYPRIAN] mumbles something-- the words 'pink,' 'monstrosity' and 'death' can be heard.

[KRISTEN] At least they can't do anything bad to m-- Token normal girl? Are you kidding me?

[CLIFF] Maybe they thought you were scary enough without powers?

[KRISTEN] No. No, that would be Jaida. Token normal girl. You know that means they cast me as the chick, right? I'm the one who keeps getting in trouble.

[CYPRIAN] No, that's Cliff.

[CLIFF] Shut up!

[KRISTEN] Says the man who almost got himself killed... what, three times so far?

[On screen, KRISTEN is comforting CYPRIAN, who is crying manly tears.]

[KRISTEN] Oh, God, it looks like they've... they think I play mother to you people.

[CYPRIAN] ...WHAT.

[KRISTEN] If I was your mother I would have run away before you were born.

[CLIFF] lips move as he works this out. He looks like he wants to comment, then looks at Kristen and clearly decides otherwise.

[JAIDA] is still laughing.

[CYPRIAN] You be quiet. It's your turn to get your character mutilated.

[JAIDA] No one told me there would be mutilation! That might actually be fun.

[CYPRIAN] Metaphorical only.

[JAIDA] pouting.

[KRISTEN and CLIFF are staring at the screen in mild horror. It dawns on CYPRIAN that he has missed something.]

[CYPRIAN] What? What??

[CLIFF] slowly Actually... I think they got her right.

[CYRPIAN] ...what do you mean?

[KRISTEN] She-- she jerks her head at Jaida-- has the power to put an edge on anything she touches, just by touching it.

[JAIDA] Are you joking? That's the stupidest power ever.

[She looks at the screen. The actress playing JAIDA is carving her way through a mob of monsters, using only a chair that now has sword edges on all four of its legs.]

[JAIDA] ....

[JAIDA] in a worryingly thoughtful tone ...although I suppose it could have its uses.

[CYPRIAN] Oh, shit.

[There are several more long moments of silence, interrupted only by "Fuck" and other variations on the same theme. Finally the lights come up.]

[EVERYONE] .....

[CYPRIAN] I'm going to kill somebody.

[KRISTEN] Me too.

[CLIFF] I will help.

[JAIDA] thoughtfully How did I get that power again, in the movie?

[EVERYONE] looks at her, then looks at each other.

[CYPRIAN] getting up I am going to kill them right now.