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intheheartTitle: Faith
Rating: PG.
Summary: Gina gets her faith back.
Date: December 2017
AU: Straight
Notes: none.
WARNING: mentions of domestic and child abuse.
When Gina was a girl, she would sometimes go to church after school or on her way to lessons, sit in a back pew, and talk to God. Oh, she called it praying, if anyone asked, but what she was really doing was just talking-- telling Him about her day, about the things she'd done and had done to her. Sometimes she complained, sometimes she thanked Him. Mostly though, she just talked, and knew He was listening. She always left the church feeling warm and loved.
The first thing she did when she got to Rochester, after she unpacked her dorm room, was to find the church Father Arnott recommended and introduce herself to the priest. In Cambridge, she had to find a church on her own, but she still made it her first priority. She needed to know that she had a haven, a safe place, to talk to God and know He was listening.
In New York City, she didn't even look.
She couldn't have said when it happened. Maybe the first time Grant hit her, or the time he hauled her out of church for smiling at the priest, leaving bruises dark on the inside of her elbow. Maybe when she'd come home and seen the fingermarks on Robbie's arm. Or maybe further back than that, back when things had started to go bad. Back when Leah was born and Grant hadn't seemed interested. She couldn't have said.
All she knew for certain was that God had stopped listening.
Her new apartment was too small. Robbie slept on a trundle bed most nights, and Leah and Beth had to share a room. They all complained vociferously, but what could she do? She wasn't making that much money yet. She'd promised them that when she got a raise, she'd try to find a place where they could have their own rooms.
At least Caty was small enough that Gina could keep her in her own bedroom. She'd keep all her children in there, if she could. She still remembered that knife, and the frantic fear that he would take her babies-- she hated letting them out of her sight.
But some things she couldn't help, not if she wanted to be a responsible mother. So Robbie and Leah had to go to school, and Beth and Caty to daycare, and she had to go to work, to make the money that fed and clothed them all. She had a crappy job, sorting through the slush pile in a down-at-the-heels publishing house, but at least it paid. With the experience, she could move on to something better.
Or so she hoped, anyway.
Gina pulled up the collar of her coat and shoved her gloveless hands a little deeper into her pockets as she came up out of the subway. December was not the most hospitable month anywhere, but even less so in New York City. Cold, sleeting, dark all the times, turning her ears and nose red as she hurried along the streets. Every morning she got up and looked out the window, she felt sad, alone, abandoned.
She tried not to dwell on it. She tried to just keep moving.
To cap her misery, today seemed colder than usual. She was shaking before she'd gone five blocks, her too-thin coat not keeping out the wind like it should. She saw an open door from the corner of her eye, and without conscious choice, changed direction and went inside.
And found herself in a church.
Gina almost walked right back out again. It wasn't that she didn't have faith-- she did, she knew God was up there, but He wasn't... He'd stopped listening. He clearly didn't care about her anymore, so why should she care about him?
But.
It was so warm in there, and so familiar. The air smelled of incense and flowers and candles burning, the crucified Christ hung over the altar, the blessed Virgin Mary gazed benevolently over her own little altar to the side. It felt like home, so much like home that she almost wept.
She did go to a pew in the very back row, and sat down. She looked into the Christ's eyes, smelled the scents, felt the hard wood beneath her hands.
She didn't say anything, but for the first time in years, she felt as if God was listening.
Rating: PG.
Summary: Gina gets her faith back.
Date: December 2017
AU: Straight
Notes: none.
WARNING: mentions of domestic and child abuse.
When Gina was a girl, she would sometimes go to church after school or on her way to lessons, sit in a back pew, and talk to God. Oh, she called it praying, if anyone asked, but what she was really doing was just talking-- telling Him about her day, about the things she'd done and had done to her. Sometimes she complained, sometimes she thanked Him. Mostly though, she just talked, and knew He was listening. She always left the church feeling warm and loved.
The first thing she did when she got to Rochester, after she unpacked her dorm room, was to find the church Father Arnott recommended and introduce herself to the priest. In Cambridge, she had to find a church on her own, but she still made it her first priority. She needed to know that she had a haven, a safe place, to talk to God and know He was listening.
In New York City, she didn't even look.
She couldn't have said when it happened. Maybe the first time Grant hit her, or the time he hauled her out of church for smiling at the priest, leaving bruises dark on the inside of her elbow. Maybe when she'd come home and seen the fingermarks on Robbie's arm. Or maybe further back than that, back when things had started to go bad. Back when Leah was born and Grant hadn't seemed interested. She couldn't have said.
All she knew for certain was that God had stopped listening.
Her new apartment was too small. Robbie slept on a trundle bed most nights, and Leah and Beth had to share a room. They all complained vociferously, but what could she do? She wasn't making that much money yet. She'd promised them that when she got a raise, she'd try to find a place where they could have their own rooms.
At least Caty was small enough that Gina could keep her in her own bedroom. She'd keep all her children in there, if she could. She still remembered that knife, and the frantic fear that he would take her babies-- she hated letting them out of her sight.
But some things she couldn't help, not if she wanted to be a responsible mother. So Robbie and Leah had to go to school, and Beth and Caty to daycare, and she had to go to work, to make the money that fed and clothed them all. She had a crappy job, sorting through the slush pile in a down-at-the-heels publishing house, but at least it paid. With the experience, she could move on to something better.
Or so she hoped, anyway.
Gina pulled up the collar of her coat and shoved her gloveless hands a little deeper into her pockets as she came up out of the subway. December was not the most hospitable month anywhere, but even less so in New York City. Cold, sleeting, dark all the times, turning her ears and nose red as she hurried along the streets. Every morning she got up and looked out the window, she felt sad, alone, abandoned.
She tried not to dwell on it. She tried to just keep moving.
To cap her misery, today seemed colder than usual. She was shaking before she'd gone five blocks, her too-thin coat not keeping out the wind like it should. She saw an open door from the corner of her eye, and without conscious choice, changed direction and went inside.
And found herself in a church.
Gina almost walked right back out again. It wasn't that she didn't have faith-- she did, she knew God was up there, but He wasn't... He'd stopped listening. He clearly didn't care about her anymore, so why should she care about him?
But.
It was so warm in there, and so familiar. The air smelled of incense and flowers and candles burning, the crucified Christ hung over the altar, the blessed Virgin Mary gazed benevolently over her own little altar to the side. It felt like home, so much like home that she almost wept.
She did go to a pew in the very back row, and sat down. She looked into the Christ's eyes, smelled the scents, felt the hard wood beneath her hands.
She didn't say anything, but for the first time in years, she felt as if God was listening.
